So I have been working on a new painting. It is an older idea and a completely new way of making it.
Yes, there are brushes and paint. And even a figure.
The space I am standing in is different. This is a painting I am making from joy and delight. You might say: “KT, I thought you always enjoyed painting, I mean you are a painter.” I am a painter- I think I would be a painter even if I never painted another stroke again. There have been enjoyable times. And to be honest, when I was in school they were rare.
I was in my head. Even though I thought I wasn’t.
I was in school to learn-radical concept. And I was constantly thinking, planning and learning. As well as obsessing about paint, my painting, your painting, my instructors paintings, where I fit in the world of painting, should I go to grad school, what does it all mean, how come people like THAT painting, why don’t people know more about art history? Exhausting. And futile.
My ongoing thought was “Is this good enough?” Which is a valid question as far as it goes. What I was REALLY asking was- is this good enough for you? Also exhausting and futile. And pretty gross. No way to make a painting. The fact that I achieved what I did is amazing given all the obstacles I put in my own way.
So this new painting…Joy is my guide that I am on the right path. And there is a lot of joy to be had. The hard work is to serve myself and keep my own counsel. This is revolutionary for me, especially after three years of being in a fishbowl called an Atelier.
I have made a deal with myself on this painting:
I don’t get to show it to anyone until it is completed.
I don’t get to solicit opinions or information about the painting from people. Or the internet. (the snippet above does not count)
I am relying only on my ability to connect and create.
I don’t get to stop.
I don’t get to have an overall opinion about the quality of the painting.
Joy is my guide.
I must pay attention to the pain ONLY to hear what it is saying to me.
I must trust no one but myself about this painting.
I must keep painting.
Breaking myself of these habits is tough and runs counter to a lifetime of conditioning.
So far, so good. I like this withholding judgement thing.